Confessions of a Cycling Addict?

Last night I threw my Kona Kula on the stand to work out some kinks with the shifty bits. I managed to finagle a quick fix, but I realized full well that the chain is on it's way out. Perhaps there are a few more solid outings in it, but this is assuming they're coupled with diligent post ride cleaning. The bike has seen plenty of crud from the winter straight through the summer, as we now seem to be living in a sub tropical thunderstorm rich environment.

Anyways...fiddling with the Kona, and thinking about replacing the chain, made me think about the ridiculous amount of bike crap I have. My place is starting to resemble a used bike lot without the pushy sales people. Granted some of my bikes have been with me for a few years, but how did I justify buying all this stuff? I ride a lot, but not so much that I could ever need all these bikes. I could probably just get away with riding the On One with two wheelsets (road fixed/'cross freewheel) and one geared MTB. Somehow I have acquired two rigid singlespeeds (one 26and one 29 for good measure of course), a 29er FS bike, a fixed/SS 'cross bike, a geared 'cross bike and a geared HT. WTF is wrong with me? Oh, I know I'm missing a proper road bike - that's what wrong with me..

Seriously, I envy those riders with one road bike and one MTB (and a 'cross bike). What is their secret? Do they ride less? Probably not. I'm willing to bet they figured out that maintaining multiple bikes is a PITA, and that they could live with less. Bummer for them; as they'd never be able to have conversations with themselves like the below example of what goes through my head when the mere thought of selling a bike meanders into the postholed muddy field that is my brain....

Me: Holy Jeebus H Crackers!! WTF?? DUDE you have wayyy too much crap. You asshole!
Me: What? Oh, yeah, well you see I need all this stuff. Why don't you go think about something else, or go shoot water at the cats, that'll keep you busy.
Me: Huh, oh yeah that was fun! Hey! You fucker! Seriously douchebag, sell some stuff and do it sooner rather than later.
Me: (Shit, I'm not avoiding this topic am I?) Er, well, ummm... yeah you see once again I need this stuff for all the different types of riding I do. I'm a veritable Tour de France of bicycle multitasking.. yeah that's it. Why don't you get it?
Me: I don't get it because we only really ride like 6-10 hours a week, and there's 6 damn bikes in this house!
Me: Well, it's not like they're wall art or anything. They all get ridden more than Seinfeld's green Klein at least..
Me: Whatever, you're an idiot - who references Seinfeld in this day and age? Aside from TV addled morons?
Me: Seinfeld is totally relevant (great, this is shifting away from the bikes!).
Me: Again, you're a tool - sell some stuff!

Me: Ok, fine here's why I can't sell anything.. The Surly: It got me into 29ers, and it's an awesome bike - so what if it's a 30lb singlespeed that makes our body sore for days after climbing a few miles on it? The Kona: This is for going sooo fast and pretending I still care about racing. No way that's for sale. The Niner: Jesus man, how else could I go sooo wicked fast and huck the gnar?? Really - how else? See you got nothing.. The On One - best bike ever, SS 'cross bikes are completely awesome and totally practical! Everyone should ride one screw gears.. Which, logically brings us to the geared Fuji 'cross bike. C'mon man! So, do you expect me to ride fixed, or SS, all the friggin' time? Of course you don't.
Me: Fine, what about the blue Schwinn?
Me: What? Oh, that. Dude it's freakin' Bass Boat Blue for crissakes! C'mooooon guy(channeling Carl from Aqua Teen here)!
Me: Yeah, it's sparkly and blue and, and err uh.... hey, look Family Guy is on.
Me: Again, that show is on like every five minutes..
Me: Yeah, it's the one where Brian is drunk and they reference pop culture like every 3 minutes without really having a plot..
Me: Oh, hey this is great!....................................